


Regret

by 4thofFive



Series: Regrets [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-04 08:32:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1772566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4thofFive/pseuds/4thofFive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve returns from a mission with his SEAL team with a troubling secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> For simplyn2deep because she asked and also because she's awesome.

Danny threaded his fingers through the wire fence and clutched it as if it were the only thing holding him up. He watched intently as the bright speck on the horizon moved ever closer and slowly resolved itself into the recognizable shape of a C17 transport plane.

He felt his heart thudding in his chest and he was sweating in the bright sunlight. He knew he should sit on one of the benches under the shade trees but he couldn’t seem to drag his eyes away from the transport plane. It was like if he didn’t keep his eyes glued to it, it would disappear.

Steve had been away on a mission with his SEAL team for just over two months and to Danny it had felt like a year. The blonde detective huffed out a quiet laugh at what a girl he was being. He and Steve had only been together for eight months and living together for three (although Steve had been gone for two of them) but in that short span of time, the SEAL had become a vital part of Danny’s life and the detective felt un-tethered and empty without being able to curl up in the arms of his boyfriend at the end of a long day. 

The Jersey native could only hope his feelings were kept reasonably well-hidden at work although he had caught both Chin and Kono giving him sympathetic looks regularly. Since Steve left, the 5-0 team had handled three major cases and solved them all quickly so he presumed he hadn’t been completely useless over the last 66 days. 

The plane touched down on the far runway and Danny watched in growing joy as the white bird approached, shimmering like a mirage in the heat. It drew closer to the hanger where the passengers would be disgorged and Danny stood up tall and pulled his now aching fingers from the fence determined not to look like a fainting maiden when he laid eyes on Steve.

The plane’s ramp slowly lowered and unformed passengers began to step down to the tarmac. Danny held his breath as one after the other reached the tarmac, saluted the flag and then ran to the arms of their waiting loved ones. Despite his determination not to show too much emotion, the detective’s eyes filled with tears when a tall, well-muscled man stepped off looking cool and confident in his dress blues. Danny swallowed hard as Steve marched down the ramp and snapped off a text-book salute. The detective’s heart did a flip as he saw his boyfriend begin to search the crowds looking for a familiar face. 

Their eyes finally met and a slow grin spread over Steve’s face and was mirrored on Danny’s. The Lieutenant Commander walked briskly over to the area where Danny waited impatiently and it was all the blonde man could do to keep himself from hurtling over the fence and running into Steve’s arms.

Steve stopped at the other side of the fence and the two stared at each other through the chain link. Although DADT had been repealed and their relationship wasn’t a secret, the two men had tried to minimize public displays of affection. The rules may have changed in the Navy but that didn’t necessarily mean everyone’s prejudices had.

“Danny,” Steve whispered and the Jersey native was surprised to see tears in his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Welcome home,” the blond man managed to choke out giving the taller man a watery smile.

They stared at each other dumbly for another moment before Steve seemed to snap out of his reverie and hurried down to the end of the fence and through the gate. The taller man then dropped his bag and ran to Danny, the blond man letting out a grunt as his boyfriend crashed into him and wrapped his long arms around him pulling him tight to chest.

Danny wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and knotted his hands behind his boyfriend’s back as if it was the only thing keeping his lover from floating away like a balloon. The blond man buried his face in the dress blues and took several shuddering breaths trying hard not to cry too much on his boyfriend’s immaculate uniform.

Steve had his face buried in Danny’s hair and his breath curled hot around the smaller man’s left ear causing him to shudder with sudden need.

“I missed you so much,” Steve whispered hoarsely. “I needed you so much.”

Danny squeezed tighter as he felt a tremor run through Steve’s body. He knew at that moment that the mission has been a bad one and something terrible had happened. He also knew that Steve would talk about it only when he was ready. 

“Let’s go home babe,” Danny replied, his voice muffled by the Lt. Commander’s uniform.

Steve nodded but held Danny for another moment before finally releasing him just enough to step back so that he could examine the other man closely.

“You’re ok? You stayed safe while I was gone? The team? Grace?”

Danny smiled and lifted a hand to caress the side of Steve’s face tracing out Steve’s cheekbone with the pad of his thumb.

“I’m ok. The team is ok and Gracie is ok. Everyone is desperate to see you so they’re coming over for lunch tomorrow. Not today though. Today and tonight is just about you and me.”

Steve bit his bottom lip and leaned down to rest his forehead against Danny’s.

“You and me,” he whispered hoarsely. “That’s all I need right now; just you and me.”

**********

Danny moaned as he rocked back against the hard cock impaling him. Steve refused to speed up his languid thrusts and he was driving Danny mad with need.

“Steve…please…” Danny groaned as a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face and dropped onto the pillow.

“Soon Danny,” Steve growled splaying the fingers of one hand and rubbing it slowly up Danny’s back until he wrapped his fingers around the back of the smaller man’s neck. Steve snapped his hips forward and Danny cried out at the sudden burst of electricity that seemed to shoot up his spine.

“Wanted you for so long Danny,” Steve moaned as he withdrew his cock almost completely from his lover before ramming it back in Danny’s tight ass.   
“Dreaming about you. Wanting only you Danny. Only you.”

Danny sobbed out another cry of ecstasy and lifted his head from the pillow and tried to reach back and pull Steve to him.

The SEAL wrapped an arm around his lover’s waist and pulled Danny backwards until the smaller man was sitting on Steve’s thighs, his knees on each side of the dark-haired man’s legs until he was spread as wide as possible. Steve’s cock sank further into Danny and the feeling of being so completely filled after being empty for so long almost sent Danny spiraling over the edge.

The blond man tipped his head back until it was resting on his lover’s shoulders while Steve pushed himself rhythmically up into Danny, thrusting over and over until Danny felt he was perched on the edge of madness. Finally the SEAL reached around and grabbed Danny’s hard cock and began jacking it roughly making Danny see stars. 

“C’mon Danny,” Steve’s hot breath gusted over the blond man’s ear. “Come for me baby. Let me see you. Let me watch. Come for me Danny.”

With a cry Danny bowed his back and exploded into his orgasm, ribbons of come shooting rhythmically over Steve’s hand and across the bed.

“Fuck Danny yes!” Steve yelled as he began thrusting harder in to the smaller man, his movements becoming uncoordinated and desperate. Steve let Danny’s now softening cock slip from his hand as he grabbed the blond man by the hips and pounded into him two, three more times before shouting Danny’s name and pumping his seed deep inside his lover.

The two collapsed sideways on the bed, Steve’s rapidly softening cock slipping out of Danny as he pulled the smaller man tight against his chest.

“Jesus I missed that so much,” Steve sighed as Danny smiled and closed his eyes.

“Me too babe. My right hand just isn’t getting it done anymore.”

Expecting laughter from his lover, Danny felt his heart lurch as Steve released a shuddering sigh instead and buried his nose into the sweat-dampened hair at the back of Danny’s neck. Danny reached over his shoulder to run his fingers through Steve’s newly shorn hair.

“What is it babe?” he asked gently. “What’s wrong? I know something’s bothering you.”

Steve’s breath hitched and he pulled Danny tighter to his chest before shaking his head.

“It’s just this, I missed this Danny. I missed you. I love you. Never forget that ok?”

Danny bit his bottom lip nervously. There was something more he was certain. Something was tearing Steve up inside.

“I love you too babe,” he answered as he rolled over to press his face against Steve’s muscular chest.

*********

“So boss did you behave yourself while you were away?” 

Kono sat sprawled in a deck chair smirking at the Navy SEAL’s back as he manned the barbeque the next afternoon.

Danny watched as his boyfriend’s shoulders stiffened momentarily. The taller man swallowed hard then turned slowly and gave the young woman a waggle of the eyebrows. 

“Define behave,” he said causing the others to laugh as he turned back to the grill.

“Minimum of explosions,” piped up Danny from where he was seated with Grace on his lap.

Danny could only see Steve in profile but could still read his face like a book and Steve’s book showed pain.

“Oh,” the taller man replied carefully, his voice soft. “Then I didn’t behave too much.”

Kono opened her mouth to retort but Danny shook his head at her and she shut it again.

“I’m hungry,” whined Grace as she slumped against her father’s chest and swung her legs distractedly. “When are we going to eat Steve?”

The Commander turned and grinned at the little girl.

“You go in and wash up and dinner will be on the table when you come back ok?”

Grace cheered as she slid off her father’s lap and raced into the house while Kono, Chin, Malia and Danny stood up to begin gathering up the salads, buns and condiments to go with the steaks Steve was grilling. As Danny entered the kitchen to pick up the cutlery, Chin stopped in front of him.

“Is Steve ok? He seems distracted and…I don’t know, down or something. More than he usually is when he comes back from these missions.”

Danny nodded and glanced out the door to ensure his boyfriend couldn’t overhear them before looking back at his friend.

“Yeah I know. Something’s bothering him but he hasn’t talked to me about it yet. I’m not sure if something went wrong on the mission or what the problem is but I know him well enough to not push. He’ll talk to me when he’s ready.”

Chin nodded and turned to gather up the water glasses for the afternoon’s meal.

“Yeah I guess you’re right. If you push him he’ll clam up even more.”

“Try not to worry,” Danny replied with a small smile that he doubted covered his own worried expression. “I’ll look after him.”

**********

Danny woke in the night with the feeling of being alone in the bed. For a moment he panicked thinking he’d just dreamed Steve coming home but a quick glance to the head imprint on the pillow beside him and the thrown back covers relaxed him immediately. Then of course the worry about why Steve was up in the middle of the night clenched at his gut and the Jersey native climbed out of bed, pulled on a pair of sleep pants and padded down the stairs in his bare feet looking for his lover.

Steve sat on the beach, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. He was the very picture of abject misery. It had been three days since the SEAL had come home and Danny was determined to try to get his boyfriend to tell him at least something about the mission and what had happened to shake the usually stoic man to his core.

Danny walked down to the beach being sure to make enough noise that Steve would hear him without being startled. The blond man sat down in the sand behind his boyfriend and scissored his legs so that one was on each side of Steve’s hips. He scooted closer so that his chest was pressed against Steve’s back. Danny wrapped his arms around the SEAL’s torso and rested his chin on his lover’s right shoulder.

“Babe, I know your mission was classified and I know you can’t tell me everything but something obviously happened and I think it might help to get it off your chest.”

Steve shuddered as he slumped back against Danny.

“I’m afr…I don’t know...”

Danny squeezed his lover a little tighter. He could feel Steve’s shuddering breaths under his hands and it was obvious the taller man was struggling to contain his emotions.

“Steve, babe, please. There must be some part of it you can tell me.”

Steve rubbed his hands roughly over his face before dropping them to cover Danny’s hands with his.

“I had this new kid on my team this time. He was pretty green. Just out of training. Full of piss and vinegar and convinced he could take on the world. We nicknamed him Mighty Mouse.”

Danny cocked his head and saw a small, sad smile on his lover’s face.

“Kind of reminded me of myself when I was his age.”

Danny nodded but didn’t speak, too afraid that Steve would stop talking if he pushed too much.

“Three weeks after we arrived in country the team was dropped in a remote area with orders to hike 10 clicks to a small village that was thought to be a…well an enemy stronghold. Our orders were to blow up a small building on the outskirts of town where Naval Intelligence thought weapons were being stored.”

“At first we faced no resistance. We wired up the building with C4 and began to withdraw when suddenly all hell broke loose. It seemed like every hut and cow shed in that little village had an enemy fighter holed up in it. The bullets began raining down on us and the new kid was hit in the lower abdomen.”

“Oh God,” whispered Danny as his lover took a deep, halting breath.

“We set off the C4 and the explosion gave us enough cover to pick up the kid and drag him far enough away so that we could treat him. But the bullet…it tore him up inside and half his guts were hanging out when we pulled off his vest.”

Danny swallowed down a wave of nausea and spread his hands across Steve’s chest and abs as if trying to cover as much of him as possible and keep him safe.

“We needed…we did our best to patch him up. Gave him morphine and irrigated his wound to stave off infection but we knew he was in bad shape and we were 10 kilometers away from where we were to be picked up the next morning.”

Steve tangled his hands in his hair and held on.

“We had to carry him. We tried to keep him calm; tried to stop the pain but we couldn’t. Nothing was working. He was…he cried and moaned all through the night. He cried out for his mother and begged me not to let him die.”

Steve’s voice broke and he dropped his chin to his chest as Danny ran his hands slowly and lovingly up and down his lover’s torso trying desperately to give him some measure of comfort.

“He died just before the sun came up,” Steve murmured quietly, his voice high and strained with emotion. “I held him on my lap like a small boy. I rocked him and told him he was going to be alright. I let him die believing he was going to live.”

Danny sniffed loudly and pulled one hand briefly away from Steve to swipe the tears from his face before clutching his boyfriend again.

“Oh babe.” The blond man whispered brokenly. “I’m so sorry. Fuck it must have been so awful for you. I can’t imagine what it must have been like but you were there with him in the end. He didn’t die alone. You stayed with him. You took care of him. You did everything you could.”

Steve took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I just…it threw me Danny. I’ve had men die on me before but this was...I felt so overwhelmed with pain and grief. I didn’t…for the first time in my years in the Navy I didn’t know how to deal with it or how to suppress the pain.”

“Oh babe,” Danny repeated softly as he turned his face to kiss Steve gently on the jaw. “I wish I’d been there for you. I wish you hadn’t been alone.”

Steve stayed silent for a moment, he felt stiff and unmoving in Danny’s arms.

“Danny I…there’s something more.”

Danny felt his heart stutter in his chest at the tone of Steve’s voice.

“Okay,” the blond man acknowledged warily.

“We…after the incident we were all given a three day pass. I went to Mumbai and…I ran into an old friend from Annapolis…”

Danny nodded but stayed perfectly still as if Steve were a skittish colt who would bolt at the slightest sound.

“I ran into her in a bar and…we hadn’t seen each other in a long time so we had a few drinks together. Then we…it was getting late and, I… I didn’t want to go back to my hotel room so we bought a bottle of scotch from the bartender and we went to her room…”

Danny felt a chill run down his spine and his stomach roiled with nausea. His fingers which had been lightly laid over Steve’s abs were now digging into the flesh.

“We didn’t mean to…” Steve continued, his voice choking with guilt, the words now tumbling out of him. “I never intended anything. I was just so lonely and upset and I was drunk and…she was there and…”

“No,” Danny whispered brokenly, his hands sliding away from Steve’s torso to drop to the sand. “No.”

Steve sat up and turned around to kneel in front of Danny. The SEAL’s eyes were wet and bloodshot and pleading with his lover for understanding. He gripped Danny’s forearms tightly.

“Danny I love you. You have to believe that. I never meant for it to happen.”

Danny shook his head slowly back and forth as he stared at the dark-haired man in horror.

“Why? How could you do that to me? To us?”

Steve released Danny’s forearms and slid them up to the other man’s shoulders and gripped them tightly.

“Please babe, please listen to me. It didn’t mean anything. We were both drunk and we just…”

As if snapping out of a fugue, Danny shook Steve’s hands off his shoulders slammed his palms onto Steve’s chest and shoved the taller man away violently sending him sprawling into the sand. He scrambled to his feet and looked down at Steve in disgust, his hands clenched in fists by his side and a feeling of humiliation and betrayal washing over him like a drowning wave.

“I trusted you. I love you and you do this to me? Two months away and you couldn’t keep it in your pants?”

Steve climbed unsteadily to his feet and held out his hands in a pleading gesture. His eyes were brimming with tears.

“It wasn’t like that. I didn’t mean for it to happen I was just so alone.”

“You could have called me!” Danny shouted his face now flushed with rage. “You could have got on a god damned phone and called me! I would have been there. I would have stayed on the phone with you for the three days if that’s what you needed. Hell I would have got on a plane to come to you!”

“I know Danny,” Steve pleaded. “I know you would have. I wish I’d called you instead of going to that fucking bar. You have to believe me. I was disgusted with myself in the morning Danny. But you have to know it meant nothing. I love you. It will never happen again I swear.”

“Shut the fuck up Steve,” Danny snapped back before turning to stride up to the house. “I don’t want to listen to your bullshit lies anymore.”

“Danny!” Steve called, his voice breaking now. “Please don’t go.”

The blond man swiveled around abruptly to glare at his boyfriend.

“I don’t have any choice! I can’t stay here knowing you cheated on me. Knowing you fucked some random woman while I was at home worried sick about you.”

Danny shook his head and swallowed hard to fight down the lump climbing his throat.

“I thought we meant something to each other,” Danny hissed. “I thought we were forever. You kept telling me how much you loved me. How happy you were with me – with Grace.”

Danny released a small moan and dropped his face into his hands when stark realization washed over him like a cold shower.

“Oh my god. Grace. What am I going to tell her?”

Steve took several tentative steps towards the blond man.

“Danny please, let’s try to work this out before you make any rash decisions.”

The blond man barked a bitter laugh and looked up at his boyfriend incredulously.

“You’re the one who made the rash decision Steven. You’re the one who destroyed us.” 

As if a switch had been thrown, Danny felt the rage drain out of him until only a searing grief was left behind. He did nothing to stop the tears now streaming down his face.

“I loved you so much,” he choked. “I trusted you with my life, with my daughter’s life. I gave you my whole heart believing that you would love me as much as I love you.” 

Danny shook his head in disgust.

“What a fool I’ve been. What an asshole. When will I learn? Rachel didn’t want me. She was too good for me too. I should have known you would come to your senses eventually. I should have known someone like you would never be happy with a short, loud-mouthed guy like me, not when you could have any man or woman you want.”

“Danny please don’t say that,” Steve whispered, his own face now wet with tears. “I love you. I only want you.”

“Fuck you Steven,” the blonde man replied in a bitter, flat voice. “Just fuck you.”


End file.
